Harold Cooper is the Perfect Man

Encore has been running The Big Chill seemingly non-stop for the past month or so and for some reason, even though I’ve seen it a thousand times, I always get sucked into watching it.

One of the main reasons I keep coming back (aside from the stellar ensemble, the legendary soundtrack, Jeff Goldblum’s line about rationalizations and Tom Berenger’s heroic mustache) is that I am pretty sure Kevin Kline’s character Harold is the perfect man.

Here is the evidence I’ve compiled to back up this assertion:

He loves his wife even though she sports alarming poodle-like hair. 

He’s laid back and rolls with the punches. When a coked-up Sarah can’t sleep and keeps pestering him, he calmly tells her to relax and jokes that he’ll get her more cocaine in the morning.

He’s generous. Not only does Harold happily hosts his college friends for a weekend, he cheerfully gifts all of them with his company’s running shoes and one of them (Meg) with his DNA (you might need to see the movie to understand this one).

He’s successful but seemingly not arrogant. His running shoe company appears to be doing extremely well, allowing him to keep a gorgeous antebellum South Carolina vacation home and, in the words of his wife, “throw a great funeral.”

He’s fun! He likes football, smoking pot, dinnertime Motown dance parties and can even turn chasing an errant bat into a scene from Indiana Jones.

Last but certainly not least: he’s adorable. That curly hair! Those pale blue PJs! Plus, our boy can rock a pair of running shorts.

Props to Phoebe Cates (who probably is the Perfect Woman for many who came of age in the 80s after the red bikini scene in Fast Times at Ridgemont High) for locking that shit down for life.

Hot in Herrre

Since I’m not a hormonally-charged male between the age of 15 and 100, I’m not the target demographic for the Maxim Hot 100. Yet every year I get excited when it’s published and like to engage in spirited debate about the various Hotness rankings of those included with all and sundry.

Without getting into the ickiness of “Foxy Knoxy” coming in at #93, here are some notes on this year’s list.

Though my own personal choice for #1, Rihanna, came in at #32, I have no qualms with Bar Rafeli taking the #1 slot. She’s beautiful, she’s Israeli, and having dated Leonardo DiCaprio appears to be weighted heavily amongst judging criteria (see #13, Blake Lively).

I DO take issue with Olivia Munn at #2, as I am reasonably sure she needs to shut up.

I’m thinking Rosie Huntington-Whitely should have cracked the Top 10. If there was a Pairs Division for this list of Hotness, she and Jason Statham would have to be Top 5 because they are scorching.

Does anyone actually believe that Lea Michele (#14) is Hotter than Eva Mendes (#29), Jessica Alba (#33) or Brooklyn Decker (#42)? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Similarly, is Anne Hathaway (#23) “Hot”? She’s pretty and stylish and talented but I don’t hear a lot of guys talking about wanting to get it on with her.

Speaking of Mrs. Andy Roddick, wives and girlfriends (including rumored hookups and exes) of professional athletes are heavily represented here: Elisha Cuthbert (#34, dated/dating several NHL players), Kate Upton (#39, dated Mark Sanchez), Jessica Biel and Jordana Brewster (#28 and #52, both dated Derek Jeter), Adriana Lima (#46, married to Marko Jaric) and  LaLa Anthony (#93, married to ‘Melo) are all included, not that this is comes as a surprise to anyone. What IS surprising that the Alpha and Omega of dating pro athletes – Kim Kardashian and Victoria Beckham – are absent.

Hi Pippa (#81). You still rule. Speaking of well-bred Britons, it was nice to see Lady Mary (#70, Michelle Dockery) make the cut because a) I love Downton, obviously, and b) Maxim seems to think its readers watch PBS Masterpiece, which is amusing.

Finally, I’d like call special attention to Miss Jennifer Love Hewitt, clocking in at #20. She’s getting a little long in the tooth, especially compared to wee lasses like Taylor Swift and Sarah Hyland, but goddamn if she isn’t hanging on to her reputation as a hottie with a death grip. She’s also the woman who once famously stated that her breasts were her best accessory, and that remains kind of awesome. Play on, JLH, play on.

The Karass Karass

Me: So in addition to over-identifying with GIRLS, I now I have to deal with Zooey Deschanel listening to “River” 937 times in a row in a fit of depression on The New Girl? What’s next???

H: I think you’ve just found your generation…or, rather, your generation has found you.

Me: I believe it actually started with John Krasinski and Ed Helms drunkenly a capella-ing “Closer to Fine” on The Office however many years ago.

H: I think our generation just got old enough to be on T.V.

Me: That makes sense and is interesting, especially when contrasted with something like Glee, which is written by people slightly older than us for people way younger than us. Both GIRLS and The New Girl appear to be written for us, by us. FUBU T.V., if you will.

H: The fact that I know people involved in the creation of those shows says something too.

Me: Same karass. And all of the people in this karass would get that reference.

H: I never knew how to spell that.

Me: Me neither. Regardless, the Karass Karass is now making T.V. I enjoy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to re-DVR MSCL for the 100th time.

Oh Look, Someone’s Talking About Coachella

It’s days after the conclusion of Weekend 2 and I am reasonably sure no one wants to read one more word about Coachella. Too bad!

The entire internet has been there and done that — the hologram, the heat, the loose interpretation of what constitutes clothing — but since it was my maiden voyage, here are my obligatory notes on the experience:

Car Camping: awesome for everything but actual sleep.

I don’t understand the barefoot festival goers. On one hand, there is the enjoyment of the-back-to-the garden-grass-under-your-feet-freewheeling-hippie vibe but on the other hand, there is one word: Port-A-Potties. Ditto: chicks who wore heels.

I almost completely lost it when one Mr. Marshall Mathers made his appearance, and hearing him do his part of “Forgot About Dre” made my heart want to leap out of my chest into the desert night. 

My first words upon waking Saturday morning: “My hands smell like feet.”

Donald Glover is made of magic. His Childish Gambino set included an acapella version of “Rolling in the Deep” and he pulled it off like it wasn’t even a thing. Is there anything he can’t do? I am asking you this seriously.

Another confusing phenomenon: opting for wearing a bikini and nothing else. Ladies who went this direction: I understand that it’s hot, that part is fine, but WHERE IS YOUR CELL PHONE?

I would pay money to hear a conversation between Florence Welch and Stevie Nicks. Ditto the chick from St. Vincent and Patti Smith. I would also like a guided tour of Florence’s closet.

Props to Beats Antique for adding a belly dancer to their set. Well-played.

A troubling sect of festival goer: The Bro-Chellas. We were confused as to why large dudes with frat tattoos would be mingling among the fruits, nuts and flakes that comprise a large portion of the Coachella community and then it hit me —these were the frat guys that smoked a ton of weed.

As the weekend unfolded, I started to think about each of the performance areas in these terms:

• Main Stage = Stuff everyone likes and famous names. Ex: Childish Gambino, Santigold, all of the headliners
• Outdoor Stage = Acoustic/Artistic/Hippier venue to be AVOIDED LIKE THE PLAGUE during daylight (no shade — I don’t care who’s playing, I ain’t going til it cools off) and embraced at twilight (oh, Andrew Bird is on at 6 at Outdoor? Delightful!) Ex: Bird, Florence & the Machine, Feist
• Gobi = The most user-friendly of all of the outer tents, Gobi seemed to encompass the acts that most everyone would like, as well as the most rock-band acts. Ex: St. Vincent, The Head and the Heart, Frank Ocean.
• Mojave = HIP HOP BEATZ. Whatever the Mojave tent had going on, I was feeling. Ex: M83, The Rapture, Flying Lotus
• Sahara = Nonstop electronica. Not visited after Friday night. Ex: Music for people on serious party drugs.

Coachella, it was a long, strange trip. See you next year.

On Ryan Seacrest and the Olympics

This news about Ryan Seacrest joining the NBC Sports team for the Olympics is about three weeks old, but with NBC really ramping up their pre-London coverage every day, it still feels relevant. Especially since I’ve spent the time since this announcement wondering how Seacrest is going to fit in with the team over there.

Let me back up and explain that I am a little overinvested in the social hierarchy at NBC. I watch TODAY every morning, as does my sister, and we often discuss how everyone gets along over there. Who gets along and who doesn’t? Who has sexual tension and who seems more like they’re sister and brother? Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera seemed to loooove each other; Matt and Ann Curry? Not so much, and that’s been supported by the press lately. My sister had suspicions that everyone hated Ann long before these rumors and even before Sarah Haskins’ brilliant Target Women: Ann Curry segment (which postulates that the TODAY show is trying to kill Ms. Curry).

So throwing Seacrest into the mix is of interest to me, especially as a longtime American Idol watcher and LA radio listener. His extreme “metro sexuality,” boundless energy and near-omnipresence in the media landscape are off-putting to many, but I kind of love him and no one can argue with his professionalism and work ethic. But where is he going to fit in with the tightly-knit group over at 30 Rock?

It’s pretty clear that he won’t be invited into the elite boys club populated by Lauer and Brian “B-Dubs” Williams so here are the two possible social scenarios I see unfolding for our intrepid Mr. Seacrest:

1.       He immediately is taken under the booze-soaked wing of Kathie Lee Gifford and spends the whole time with her and Hoda. His extensive experience navigating the various mood swings of Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell will allow him to be a nice buffer during the times that it seems like Hoda might murder KLG, and they can discuss personal grooming and jail-bait male athletes to his heart’s content.

2.       Remembering his upbringing in Georgia, he activates his inner Southern Belle and makes a beeline for special correspondent Jenna Bush Hager. Though I suspect their politics may not align, they’ll become sorority sisters of a sort and gather in the bar each night to talk shit about everyone because you just know Jenna would be excellent in that capacity and not even about other NBC-ers but the various heads of state in attendance. Girl didn’t spend eight years in the White House without building up a store of this stuff. Also, in this scenario, I eventually foresee coordinated outfits involving pastels.

In related news, I’m very much looking forward to my re-obsession with Michael Phelps and hope he’s spent the past four years working on that speech impediment.

I

Notorious P.I.P.P.A.

You guys. It’s time to talk about Pippa.

This recent Parisian gun-photo scandal got me thinking that Lifetime Television for Women went in the wrong direction when it came to Middleton-related programming for their network. Why spend time on boring old Kate and Wills when Pippa’s sitting right there, being all scandalous and kind of awesome?

Let’s review what we know about Middleton The Younger, starting with The Wedding of the Century.

Most girls, if their sister married a prince, therefore becoming the future Queen of England and current Duchess of Cambridge, might suffer from low self-esteem and want to retreat into the shadows while fulfilling Maid of Honor duties. Not our Pippa; here’s what she did instead:

• 1. Reportedly threw down with Queen Elizabeth II over the issue of a disco ball on the dance floor and came out victorious.
• 2. Made sure her ass looked FANTASTIC.
• 3. Inspired rumors of attracting the attention / making out with Prince Harry.

Bitch came to play.

Her next move was to be photographed dancing in her bra while on some tropical vacation.

To me, the expression on her face reads, “So my sister married a royal. I’m going to get my drink on and dance topless regardless.” And who among us would do any differently?

Then there were miscellaneous rumors of new boyfriends and suitors throughout the land but whatever — she’s a hot famous chick, that’s par for the course.

I might be missing one or two notable tabloid events before this gun issue, but the conclusion I’ve arrived at is as follows: Pippa Middleton don’t give a FUCK.

And it’s awesome.

Lords A Leaping!

It is one of my pet peeves when people say “OMG I have been SO BUSY LATELY,” like, welcome to the working week, but I really have been SO BUSY LATELY. But this Lauren Conrad entry is woefully ancient, so I thought I’d drop by and let everyone who three hottest dudes in the Game of Thrones universe are. Two out of three are lords, hence the not-seasonally-appropriate title.

In ascending order, they are:

3. Robb Stark — Okay. So he’s sixteen years old, but he’s the newly-crowned King of the North! He can also really rock the giant fur cloak look that is so popular amongst the men of Winterfell. Plus, direwolf puppies!

2. Jaime Lannister — Yes, I know that he’s an incestuous, pompous, violent asshole, but it’s in such a pretty package. Also, “The Kingslayer” is a pretty bad-ass nickname.

1. Jon Snow — No modifiers necessary.

What’s remarkable is that there isn’t even a close fourth. MAYBE Ser Loras Tyrell, “The Knight of the Flowers,” but he’s clearly not into sleeping with the ladies, so he’s exempt. 

RTVHOF Inductee: Lauren Conrad

I would like to preface this post by disclosing that I kind of love her.

Inductee: Lauren “LC” Conrad

Affiliated Shows: The reality TV programs that LC is affiliated with need to be broken down into two categories: shows she appeared on and shows that she can be held responsible for, in that they exist because of her, in whole or in part.

Appeared on: Laguna Beach, The Hills

Can be held responsible for: The City, Kell on Earth, Audrina, any of the vast legion of shows that Spencer and Heidi infected with their toxic presence.

Defining Reality TV Moments: 

Expounding on LC’s influence on not only reality television but pop culture in general would seriously be an academic undertaking. From her years on Laguna Beach as the ultimate girl next door (if you lived in a beachfront mansion in the OC, that is) / most dangerous owner of a white bikini in history to her current position as young adult author and style icon, LC has done what few other reality tv personalities have achieved: she made us care about her.

Yes, her life was fabulous, yes she had that awesome car and a killer wardrobe, but we could relate to her, somehow. Elements of her life (her relationships with her friends, both good (Lo, Whitney) and bad (Heidi), her weakness for douchey guys (Jason Wahler, Brody Jenner), and her occasional bad hair days, questionable outfits and late nights) made her not only a character, but a person. And that’s HOF-worthy.

Also, the fact that she completed several years on reality programming without a public drug problem or pregnancy (but not without a sex tape rumor) is remarkable.

Notable Quotes:

Another strong area for our girl. I will pay homage to two that, while different, are just balls-out awesome.

1. “I want to forgive you…and I want to FORGET you.” (For maximum impact, this line must be delivered with high drama and maximum vitriol while wearing an entire tube of mascara and crying).

2. While trying for the umpteenth time to make it clear to dim-witted Audrina that Justin-Bobby was a total loser, she uttered the words that my sister and I still borrow to describe similar lame behavior:

“Homeboy wore combat boots…to the BEACH!”

I mean, really. How can you argue with that?

Overall Impact on the Reality TV Landscape:

Take a look at the shows and personalities that she is responsible for. She’s the alpha and omega of pretty blonde girls on MTV shows and for my money, there will never be another like her.

PS: Call me, LC.

A Short Play About The Bachelor Franchise

(During tonight’s After the Final Rose Melee with Ben and Courtney)

Chris Harrison: And next up, we have a happy Bachelorette couple, Ashley and JP!

P: Wait…who are Ashley and JP?

Everyone: UM, THE MOST RECENT BACHELORETTE AND THE DUDE WHO WON???

How easily we forget.

RTVHOF Inductee: Scott Disick

In honor of The Soup’s new regular segment, “Scott Disick: Unlikely Voice of Reason,” I present to you the man himself, Scott Disick.

Inductee: Scott Disick

Affiliated Shows: Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, Kourtney and Kim Take New York

Defining Reality TV Moments: 

There are a LOT of options to choose from here, but first off, a fact that should be noted: Scott is clearly the breakout star of the Kardashian empire. The only non-family member, non-professional-athlete member of the main cast, this oily prepster/alcoholic/babydaddy now is an omnipresent force on a large portion of E! programming (including a guest appearance on Fashion Police, which I thought was kind of perfect).

If we’re going to pick a specific moment that solidified Scott’s spot in the pantheon, we’re going to have to go with the time he got hammered and punched a mirror.

Notable Quotes:

Possibly the moment when my opinion of Scott Disick went from “preppier Spencer Pratt minus the flesh-colored beard” to “f-ing hilarious”.

The scene: Scott is at the Miami zoo, posing for a photograph with baby Mason as a flock of birds flies around them, when he unleashes this voiceover gem:

“Now that’s a gentleman’s photo. I’ve got my son, a nice tan, birds, and my hair is flowing in the wind like flocks of Capistrano.”

A gentleman’s photo! The flocks of Capistrano! Hilarious!

Overall Impact on the Reality TV Landscape:

Time will tell, but the (nationally televised) birth of Kardasian-Disick spawn Mason threatens to have a possibly-apocalyptic effect on the reality TV landscape. When you factor in their second child on the way and Kris Jenner’s Machiavellian momager style, we could, as a people, be staring down the barrel of even more Kardashian-related programming, this time with an extra dose of Disick. Look upon Scott Disick’s works … and despair.